The Mistakes

 

Numbness. That is the feeling. She doesn’t want anything with me. She says she likes someone else. Doesn’t have feelings for me. Never had feelings for me. I am a college going student. This is a story of one of the many things that I fucked up in the last year. Well I don’t know if this is a love story, because me personally I don’t know what love means. I understand the word like, so this is more of a like story. I was one of those guys who bonded well with all the boys but became nervous when it came to interacting with girls, so basically a typical Indian boy. I was sure I would never you know fall for a girl or whatever you call it. I believed being single is the best thing. That was my idea of relationships. Let me tell you, I am bad at all relationships except friends. Be it the relationship with my parents, siblings etc. 

    Well all my notion went to shit one day ,when I saw her doing mischief in the class. After observing her, I realised she was just like me. Loved playing pranks, good at studies and had a thing of falling prey to professor’s scolding. She stood out because it seemed everyone was superficial and she was being who she was. It clicked. My friends told me , she is insane, shows a lot of emotion, etc. So was I, I was mad. But I didn’t act on my feelings. Days passed. But as luck would have it we started chatting several months after my new found emotions. My god, she was so much fun. Things were going well, both college wise and personal wise. Then we had an event wherein I couldn’t attend college for about a week. I was so restless, always eager to get to my mobile to message her and I remember the extent I went just to chat with her. Then I had a chance to take my career to next level but things went downhill after that. I was on my way to watch a movie and got to know that I had not cleared the HR round of a company. I had a feeling that this was not gonna be my year. Well it turned out my intuition was true. I messed up in an exam, subsequently affecting my placement prospects. Well that is another story but the thing is here I made my first mistake: I LET MY PROFESSIONAL LIFE AFFECT MY PERSONAL LIFE. I stopped hanging out with friends, talking angrily with parents and being always frustrated. Well she tried to calm me down but I pushed her away. I was falling down the edge of the hill and at the same time not grasping the rope my close ones were throwing to bring me up. This was an important time in mine and her relationship because it was the budding time wherein you had to open up and develop it. But I was cutting it from the grass root level. I stopped messaging her, ignoring her whenever she came to meet, denied her repeated request to meet. I was in a very negative state of mind and the thinking was the same. I started cursing everything, went away from my family, my friends, her taking each and everything in the wrong sense. I didn’t even try to stay happy. This was in contrast to my nature. I should have involved everyone in what I was going through and shared stuff. But I isolated myself and thought that nothing good is happening. I escaped reality through online games, whole day online games and chill. 

    Things went from bad to worse when she tried to  message me. Here I made my second mistake: I IGNORED MY FEELINGS FOR HER AND CEASED COMMUNICATING WITH HER. Man it must have been tough for her. My negative thoughts must have been affecting her. All that came out of my mouth was negative, I forgot I was confident, strong and would do something. I forgot my principle of never giving up. Then came the next year and I again fluffed my chance at getting placed. I took a lone walk that day and cried. Cried my heart out, thought why was this happening to me. Then the deadly virus hit and everything went into lockdown. Hostel and college too. Locked in home, arguing with my parents I fell into the pit deeper. It was getting more and more frustrated day by day. 

    Then came the trip where all cousins met. This trip changed my life you could say. It just hit me what the fuck am I doing!!!! You keep hustling, never stop. You just need to remain calm, live in the present and work hard. These things formed the basis of my new changed life. I returned home, starting going to the office with my father. This in turn improved our relations and I became more and more disciplined . My outlook towards life became positive. Well lockdown gave me chance to reflect on my past, I realised my mistakes and promised to work to correct them. I didn’t know if I would succeed. I decided to catch up with my friends and start looking for a job. I decided what to do and what not to do in the future. Now the important part of my life and this chapter. It had been almost 6 months since we had chatted properly. 

    I had been thinking of sorting things out when something happened. She wished me on my birthday. That was not the issue, she wished me using my surname. I immediately knew something was wrong, she always called me by my first name, actually she was the only one throughout college who called me by my first name, one of the things that I liked. I couldn’t sleep properly for a week, my newly gained peace was disturbed. I had to be calm. This is when I committed my third mistake: ASKING HER OUT DIRECTLY AFTER SIX MONTHS. Well it was about midnight, I don’t know why I was a bit emotional that day and I messaged her. She took a long time to reply, that irritated me and I thought I wouldn’t reply back. Had I stuck with that decision, the third mistake could have been avoided. Well that night was disaster. I felt she spoke rudely with me . But after the chat ended , I read it again. Numbness. That was the feeling. The way I spoke to her, I didn’t recognise that person. I deleted the chat hoping it would delete that episode but well you cannot turn back time. I couldn’t do anything the next day, I skipped breakfast, worked mechanically throughout , had a very light lunch couldn’t figure out anything. She had threatened to block me if I contacted her further. She said I was pushing her back. I wanted to tell her I had changed but my behaviour that night, thanks to my emotionally charged dumb mind suggested otherwise.

     I sit here confused as what to do. I took time to understand that her reaction was just but all I want is a chance to speak to her, ask her for a chance. I want to tell her I understand there is no half way in any relationship, either you are all in or not in. I know relationships be it family or friends are very brittle nowadays and it doesn't take much to break them. The norm today is to just move on, but I question it. I realise what I put her through was grave but we should try and mend our relations, not just let go it. The joy I got by reconciling with my old friends taught me that you don't need to follow the society's convention, you can try out your own stuff. But I am ashamed to even text her after my third mistake. As I mentioned earlier, I am bad at relationships but when I realised and started mending them, I guess the most important one, which was so precious to me, which if I had developed properly could have actually helped me has collapsed. I sit now my body motionless, my hand working sharing my story and my mind trying to calm itself down.

I had penned down the following lines about three months back and thought of dedicating to her.  

        Lakho Hazaaro Ladkiyan Aayi

        Jinhe Dekh yeh dhadhkan hui tez

        Lekin jab inn aakho ne teri ek jhalak payi

        Yeh sakht mann bhi ho gaya rangrez

    

        Tune nahi badhayi mere dhadkan ki gati

        balki diya tune unko tham 

        lekin maari gayi thi meri mati

        jo tere paas na aaya sunke mera naam        

        

        Tune mujhe bohut  bulaya

        mujhe anginat baar samjhaya

        lekin maine apne hi armano ko sulaya

        aur tujhse na milke najane kitna waqt gawaya

        

        Jaise Deluminator se thi awaz sunee

        Ron ne hermione ki aur hua usse aabhas

        mujhe bhi aayi aahat andrunee

        jisne meri galti ka dilaya mujhe ehsaas

        

        Ab sunle tu bhi meri pukar

        Bohut der se aayi mujhe samjh       

        mat kar tu mujhe inkaar       

        aur banja tu sahi mai diggaj

        

        Bohut hua dono ka roothna

        Bhale hi milke tu mujhe Koothna

        Hai tu mere liye bohut khas

        Bas isliye likhta hu yeh alfaaz

        

-Hechet Ray

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