The Unsent Letter

A person commits a mistake in a relationship. Any relationship. The other one becomes angry. He has the right to be angry. But eventually the guy realizes and apologizes. Other one forgives and they talk it out. Now if that person commits the same mistake again, then the other one should cut all contacts. My case is different. I goofed up, realized late and apologized. But she is not ready to listen, let alone give it a thought.She has blocked me from everywhere. No one cuts-off or runs away from relations, they sort it out. I don't understand her behaviour, I guess she thinks I will hurt her again. That's what I have trying to tell, talk to me she will understand I have learnt from my mistakes. I recently saw here on a video call and thought of writing to her. But I am afraid after she will block me even there. 

Dear S,

Our relation was always volatile. We both were backchod people. I would like to confess something today, I liked you from the start. I remember we were in the computer lab, fighting for some reason in front of the whole class and you had said " College se bahar fikva dungi tujhe". I replied and after that was smiling. I mean no one had said something with that much attitude to me ever. Guess I have a thing for unusual things, me being unusual. I wanted to be friends with you seriously. I had never thought that a day would come when one of us wants to talk and the other one won’t listen. 3 or 5 months later whenever one of us used to message the other, the other one would hear him out. Like the case was in my Re Exam, I was very tensed the day before. I spoke to my friends but I was still nervous. In fact I had started preparation for it but still an uneasy feeling was there. Then I messaged you and we spoke till 3 or 4. The sense of calmness and confidence I got speaking to you was next level. I aced the exam. I am weak at expressing anything but that didn't mean that I didn't care. The day I had confessed to you in the SGP lab was one of the best days of college. Also once you had given me a chocolate, ask my friends how I had celebrated the day. Whenever you asked the reason I was not getting involved I lied because I didn’t want start and not do it properly. I always thought once placement is done, I would speak properly to you since placement was important for me and more so because I was not eligible for all the companies. I still remember you had come to me for closure but I made an excuse and refused because I didn’t want to close the relationship, I know I was selfish and put you through a lot. I was under such stress at that time that I feared if I started anything I would end up ruining it but at the end that’s what has happened. You know I and even you resisted our talks after 2, because I didn’t want to lose your friendship . After our chat one day, you had messaged me that you had woken up with a smile the next day and that was very rare. Do you know how much happy I was that day? You don’t understand how important a friend you are to me more than anything else.  I have no right to request you for anything but I ask you have I ever erred in my friendship with you? You know the times you were so angry on me and messaged me. That time I heard you out as a friend not as anything else. It was stressful for me, do you know why? Speaking to you brought back the memories of the you know  and all the cute things we shared. It was tough for me not to talk to you and stay away from you because that also meant staying away from a dear friend. You always told me it was tough for you, I never told you but it was more tough for me S. To stay away from you. I shared a different connection with you. I tried to stay away but within 4-5 months I messaged you. I missed you so much. I also used to come to lab early just to watch your walk angrily from your car to the E block. I pretended to be very strong in face of tough circumstances but the truth was I was not. I came to you for strength , and you gave it to me. I don’t know why you feel that I didn’t commit because I feared what others would think. NO S NO. When I had decided to talk to you, my life took a downward spiral which was the first time I was experiencing such a setback and I couldn’t handle it. I have fucking no clue how to request you to just talk to me or even hear me out. I tried what I could but you are very stubborn just like me. Seriously I really don’t know what to do now. I request you to give my friend back to me. You cannot take that away from me. You cannot. You just can’t. I realised your importance in 2020 much before the chat of ours. I was going to sort things out, I was preparing a poem and what not, was going to personally meet you. But things took turn for the worse and our chat happened just a day before you were going to Mumbai. Timing ne maa behen ek karke rakh di. Then I lost my emotional sense twice. General advice is you won’t talk to me or listen to me. I should let it go. I don’t agree, you know why? Because I know you. You are like me. Actually more stubborn than me but like me. Both of us were there for each other in our tough phases. I thought you have changed, your chubby nature gone. Then saw you on the video call and there you were, full of life. Why such cold- behaviour with me S? I am not able to digest your cold behaviour. Earlier we didn’t speak for months but I knew whenever we did, I would speak to a lively girl. I can’t be in peace seeing my lively friend behave differently with me. You think I should move on, forget you. Yaar I am speaking of my friend, our friendship. I even asked to allow me meet you but you refused.  We had such deep bond, don’t break it pure college ke memories ke lode lag jayenge. Only one good thing was there in 2019, I request you don’t snatch that from me. Cut me some slack here.You should understand how important you are to me just by the way I am keeping my own ego aside and trying to contact you. Even you know me, I can’t let go of important relations can I? You are so chilled in your life, even I am. Then why we can’t be the same as we were earlier? Good Friends. Pichli baar apne bola tha baat sune keliye aur maine nahi suna tha. Iss baar mai bol rha sunne keliye, sunn lijiye, mai jo galti ki wo aap mat doharaye. Dono ne nayi zindagi chalu ki hai, toh dosti bhi naye sire se chalu karte hai. Bohut tadpa diya. Pichli baar V se dosti mi thi, iss bar S se dosti karke dekho  Also my suggestion as ex-friend last time you had befriended a person, this time if you will, you will befriend the true person. I had written a poem for you but I feel it’s not that good so I will end by saying, I Like Me Better When I am With You.

 - Hechet Ray

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